Why 'Because I Said So' Is Never A Good Answer

We’ve all said it. The famed ‘Because I said so’ response to our child asking ‘Well –why- can’t I do this thing?’. The truth is, sometimes parenting is exhausting. Sometimes all of the ‘why’s and ‘why not’s just get old and we don’t want to have to explain ourselves. Even I am to blame for occasionally throwing a snappy ‘Because I said so’ out there- but I always try to correct myself shortly after. And that’s because I’ve learned that ‘Because I said so’ is never the right response, and here’s why.

Kids deserve an explanation
Kids are likely asking permission for something because they genuinely want to do it. Most likely your child is not asking to do something simply to hear you say ‘no’. They’re hoping you say ‘yes’ (and they may even actually be surprised that you’ve said ‘no’.) Just as with adults, children deserve an explanation. You wouldn’t simply want to hear ‘no’ when you ask for something with no reasoning behind it. Children often can’t reason for themselves. They are incapable of looking at all of the options and figuring out –why- you’ve said no. Explaining it to them, helps them understand.

Kids deserve age-appropriate honesty
I avidly believe in being honest with your children. No matter their age, there is an appropriate way to be honest. If you’ve refused your child a cookie before dinner time, explain to them that they should try to fill up their stomach with healthy food before indulging in snacks. If you won’t let your child go to the park after it’s dark out, explain that it’s unsafe for them to be out after a certain time and that’s why they only go when it’s light out. If you are saying ‘no’, you should have a reason. Even if the reason is simply, ‘I don’t have time to drive you to your friend’s house right now- I’m busy.’.

It forces you to evaluate your reasoning
Explaining yourself forces you to truly look at the reason you’re saying ‘no’. Are you saying ‘no’ because –you- don’t want to do what your child is asking? Are you saying ‘no’ purely because you are in the habit (or the mood) of doing so? Sometimes, it’s fine to say yes. Does your child want to mix two different cereals together for breakfast? Is it really that big of a deal if they do? Is your child asking for something reasonable? Then perhaps, it’s actually okay, to say ‘yes’.

Understanding enforces compliance
If your child can understand why you’re saying no, they’re more inclined to listen to you. They know the reason behind your answer, which will make them less likely to be defiant. The general public follows rules and guidelines, because they are made aware of the reasoning behind those guidelines. We no longer accept smoking in many public areas, because we realize the health risks behind second hand smoke. Children should also learn that by understanding the reason for rules, we have a reason to follow them.

You wouldn’t accept ‘Because I said so’ as a fair answer either
If you asked your boss for a raise and they simply said ‘no’, and why you asked for an explanation they said ‘because I said so’, you would not be very happy either. It’s an unfair answer. And sometimes we forget that our little humans also expect fairness. If we want our children to grow up to be successful adults, we should begin treating them like successful adults at a young age- and one way to do that, is to respect the fact that they deserve answers too.

Rather than saying ‘Because I said so’, you can say ‘I already explained why.’
If your child continues to ask ‘why’ (as children often do), you now have a much better response. You can simply say ‘I’ve already explained why.’. It’s a quick way to end the conversation. Your child deserves an explanation, but they don’t always deserve your attention if they continue to nag. By explaining ‘why’ the first time, you’ve allowed yourself some wiggle room to let them accept the answer and move onto a different activity.