I
was surprised when I got a call that my 9 year old had wet her pants in the
middle of a school day. At first I figured she may have been sick. And the
worst sickening worry that came to my mind is that she’d somehow been triggered
and had a moment of anxiety regarding her past sexual abuse. When I arrived at
the school with a fresh change of clothes, though, she was smiling. She happily
took them, hugged me, and thanked me for coming in. I asked her what had
happened and she said the teacher said she couldn’t go to the bathroom- and she
couldn’t hold it. Knowing this little fawn has a tendency to roam the hallways
of the school when left unattended for bathroom breaks; I really couldn’t blame
the teacher for his choice. As she changed I explained that she needed to
behave better if she wanted to be trusted to go to the bathroom so she wouldn’t
have accidents like this again. She happily agreed to try and be better and
asked if I’d walk her back to the classroom. Of course I agreed and walked her
back to her classroom and gave her a hug goodbye.
Two days later, I got a similar call. The almost identical process was repeated ending with me walking her to the classroom and giving her a hug goodbye. The next day- the same thing happened. It happened repeatedly for 3 more days until the counselor pulled me aside. We both knew we needed to talk. My little fawn was as happy as could be each time I came in. And it was almost as if she was peeing her pants on purpose…
The counselor had spent many years counseling this little fawn and had known
her before I was even her foster mom. I was worried that he may tell me
something awful- something regarding her past trauma or a need for an immediate
doctor’s visit. He did neither. Instead he explained to me that from
Kindergarten to 2nd grade he had never once seen this little fawn’s
mother come to school. She had the older sibling walk this fawn home. She never
came to a school play, concert, or science show. She never came to a parent
teacher conference. She seemed to have no motivation to be a part of this fawn’s
school day. So when the fawn realized that I would come in, whenever she
called, to cater to her any need- she got an immediate sense of validation that
she had lacked in the past. Peeing her pants was one of the easiest and most
assured ways to get me to come in to the school.
I was taking time off of work to bring her in clean clothes regularly. It was a
15 minute drive each way and it wasn’t something I could afford to do each day.
Also, rewarding her … purposely unhygienic behavior was not healthy for anyone.
But it did allow me to look deeper into the needs of my child. She desperately
wanted me to be a part of her school day- and even noted that she really liked
having a mom to show to her friends. As a compromise I came in 15 minutes early
to pick her up, each school day. We would sit together when her class read a
story. My fawn got her much needed ‘mom is caring about my schoolwork time’,
and I got a lot less urine stained pants to clean.
Never assume that your child’s behavior is being done to inconvenience you.
That is very VERY rarely the case. Often times what seems like a child
misbehaving is actually a child trying to tell you something. ‘Children don’t
act out- they reach out’. It’s your job to take a moment, breathe, and try to
figure out what they’re reaching out for.
No comments:
Post a Comment